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Breaking News: Mullet Derby Future Wagers Start Today!

by Ryan Hohman
With all this talk about the 93’ Phillies, I got to thinking; 1988-1994 was, like or not, the mullet era in baseball, and really in all professional sports. I, myself ROCKED, and I mean ROCKED a rickdiculous mullet with 3 lines shaved in the side and thick coating of Butch Wax to maintain my flattop’s spiky integrity. Inspiration for my mullet was all around and in all fairness baseball mullets are the cream of the crop. You can only really appreciate a solid mullet by seeing how it flows out of the back of fitted baseball cap. Looking back at my old baseball cards, I saw some top-notch manes and thought the title of “Best Mullet of the Mullet Era” needed to be decided. I enlisted the help of my big brother Wes, a handicapper extraordinaire and we’ve put together a nice field of mullets.

I’m a big fan of combining like terms and combining my passions and with most excited 2 minutes in sports just 5 weeks away and mullets on my mind, I’m proud to announce that as of today, future bets on the first ever Mullet Derby will commence. Here’s how you get involved. Peruse the field and cast your vote for the top four mullets in our field. I will be keeping you updated with results from the Mullet Derby prep races so that you can see how your picks are shaping up for the mother of all mullet races, The Mullet Derby which refuses to take a back seat to The Running of the Roses and will be run the Thursday before the first Saturday in May. Your votes will ultimately determine the final field for The Derby and will influence the outcome of The Mullet Derby itself.

The Mullet Derby hopefuls with current odds and a preview:
Entry name in bold print


From the 93’ Phillies


1. 20-1 Dude Nails Dick Strap (Lenny Dykstra)- Curly, blonde mullet that usually looked extremely wet. Could set the early pace, but may not be able to make the distance. Also, there is concern about whether or not he’ll make it to the gate without a confrontation between his mullet and Primetime Neon. Also, his constant spitting of tobacco juice may slow him just enough and the clumps of chaw that he deposits on the track could distract the other mullets.


2. 5-1 Wild Thing (Mitch Williams)- Short, spiked waves on top with good body in the back. This mullet will surely have his trademark “No Fear” headband on, adding the intimidation factor to an already formidable mullet. Two concerns with this mullet: First he’s been known to crumble in big spots and he also has a tendency to veer to the right in the stretch run. With such a large field expected, he may be banging his way through traffic coming to the wire.


3. 12-1 Dutch Lunacy (Darren Daulton)- Another mullet of the blonde variety, but much wispier than Dude Nails Dickstrap’s . Less heralded stablemate of Wild Thing who has been overlooked because of Wild Thing’s mullet prowess. The big question is does this mullet have the mental make-up to step out of the shadows and establish himself as an elite mullet. This mullet is a beauty but it’s going to take more than that to win this one.


4. 12-1 The Nut Krukker (John Kruk)- Longevity is key for this thick, brown beauty. An extremely solid gelding mullet that does not possess the speed or power of some of the other mullets in the field. He will relish the spotlight of such a big race however and may not have the balls to win but will look to grind out a victory. This mullet has stood the test of time and looks exquisite either hatted or free flowing.

West Coast Invaders

5. 15-1 The Snitching Chemist (Jose Canseco)- The black beauty of mullets. The first entrant from the famed Bash Brothers Stable has all the confidence to win the race, but may waver when faced with fuller mullets. Canseco’s mullet redefined the mullet in 91’ and opened doors for future mullets but there will be no love lost and no loyalties heading into this contest. He is versatile and can go spiked or parted down the middle, but it may not be enough.


6. 9-1 Big Mac Crybaby (Mark McGwire)- Another blonde breed, this time with waves. The other half of the Bash Brothers Stable entry should have the juice to match the competition, but may fade in stretch just like the hairline of this star. The Bash Brothers entry will be a nice choice to add to your exotics


7. 10-1 The Eck Man Cometh (Dennis Eckersley)- A poker straight, feathered and deep brown mullet + handlebar mustache= a tough mullet to beat. This mullet is a closer in the truest sense. An underappreciated mullet that may have been overshadowed by his Bash Brother brethren, he will be coming hard at the end who will have a big advantage reaching the wire, porn stache first.


8. 70-1 Pretty Homoerotic (Mike Piazza)- Deep brown, thick, but lacking perseverance and confidence. His forced swagger is just not enough and questins about his ability to rise to the occasion have plagued him throughout his career. His speed and heart are both question marks. I expect this mullet to be bringing up the rear (pun intended).

The Dark Horse

9. 20-1 Primetime Neon (Deion Sanders)- Jerry curled and dripping, this mullet is a fine specimen. We all know that Primetime Neon will have the speed and versatility to compete and he has shown great perseverance by sticking with his mullet even though most of his breed went short by 91’. He’ll also need to be mentally tough to withstand pernicious slurs that may be hurled his way by Dude Nails Dickstrap.

Midwest Menace

10. 6-1 Shooter McMullet (Rod Beck)- Wow! This mullet was the total package. Dark, ratty, wavy, full of body, and consistent. Shooter stuck with his mullet for over a decade and his handlebar stache which was much thicker than The Eck Man’s coupled with his grit could make him one of the favorites.


Canadian Party Crashers

11. 7-2 Big Unit (Randy Johnson)- Incomparable, unbeatable, legendary…these are just a few terms used to describe this mullet. This is the one mullet the rest of the field fears. Perfect in every way, size, shape, body, this mullet has stood the test of time and looks to cement his legacy as the Secretariat of mullets.

12. 30-1 Curly Kid Mullet (Gary Carter)- The only curly fro mullet in the field has shown great grit and determination. It was not easy to turn those curls into a mullet. He’s had a hall of fame career but it remains to be seen if those ailing curls will hold up against this brutally competitive field.

Breed Exemptions: This is the mother of all mullet races and thus could not be run without the following representatives!


13. 9-2 Jags in the Breeze (Jaromir Jagr)- This is the very best mullet from the brutally competitive NHL breed. This mullet is the most glorious thing these eyes have seen. This mullet has it all: size, length, girth, waves, curls, and the confidence to back it. You name it Jags has it. He has pummeled all comers in his own ultra competitive breed and now looks to add yet another mullet trophy to his mantle. He’s stared down the best and walked away on top every time, he will be very tough to beat and will not be intimidated.

14. 6-1 King Bozroids (Brian Bosworth)- His look redefined the mullet and literally took it to a whole new dimension. When I look back at my own mullet, King Bozroid’s was my inspiration. This mullet stands an excellent chance primarily because of his unprecedented swagger. It may be this type of confidence and risk-taking that may make the difference against a loaded field.


Take your picks...post a comment with your exactas, tri's, and super's and feel free to box'em up.
Some of you may be saying, "this is absurd." You're absolutely right, which is exactly what makes it so great. I will at some point this year actually talk about the current Phillies...if I feel like it.

16 comments:

  1. really they are all true classics, but i just can't stop laughing at that mustache/mullet combo of dennis eckersley.....a family member or good friend really should have put a stop to that. -trom (nice work hohman, very funny stuff)

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  2. I would obviously vote for myself in this race due to the exceptionally solid flow i once rocked. However, in this field, Randy Johnson takes the cake.

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  3. I'm not one to take favorites so ill go with a slight outsider in Shooter McMullet to win it and back that up with a superfecta box with Jags in the Breeze, King Bozroids, The Big Unit and The Nutt Krukker to pick up the pieces down the stretch. I think Krukker's mullet is under appreciated and will relish the opportunity to prove that Funny Cide wasn't the only gutsy gelding who could win the run for the roses.

    Weez Jerardi

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  4. Dop- The Eck Man is a stud. You can tell he really took care of that thing...look at how smooth and shiny it is. He proly hated putting his hat on, he wanted everyone to enjoy the view.


    C.E.-I've seen your West Virginian version of the mullet. It's very "Why don't we go into the woods and do stuff cousin Bucky?"
    One of the best I've seen on any hillbilly future phys. ed. money stealer.

    Weez-Your giblet is not as jiggly as Dick's but you make up for it with better picks. Krukker's got guts alright, he still rocks his mullagotoni with pride and with a suit on. Ballsy!

    My picks (if I were a zillionaire):
    Jags in the Breeze for an onion across the board...why not?
    I'm gonna box this super for g ball...Chemist, Primetime Neon, Bozroid, and Eck Man.
    My thinking...Primetime is going to set blazing fractions but I think will hang on for fourth. Eck Man will come flying at the end and I can't keep the only two guys who have mullets named after them out of the money.
    10 beans on Pretty Homoerotic and Curly Kid Mullet cause hey, anything can happen, remember freakin' Giacomo.

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  5. I have to go with Eckerley. Even though the mustache shouldn’t come into play, I think it pushes him over the top. A straight business mullet, none of this innate trailer park “I didn’t know any better” mullets (mitch williams). Eck wears it with a purpose. I key him into the one hole and box The Unit and Jagr (althought he shouldn’t really count since he’s foreign)….

    I’m at a disadvantage, although I have a keen eye for the ridiculous, I rocked the rat tail, an obvious classier style, but only with the lightning bolts on the sides of course….

    Piazza….what a homo

    richie p

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  6. Richie P. Please do not underestimate the power of the rat tail. It showed power, confidence and real class. Especially if you still rocked it 4 years after it went out to Pennsyltucky to start its new home where it still resides powerful, flowing graciously in the wind or braided for an evening affair.
    Great topic RYhoh.
    The Big Unit & Shooter McMullet run neck and neck for the top spot. Look at the determination in their eyes….better known as the “business” section of the mullet. They both know what’s on top and want you to know as well. With a good flip to fluff the longs in the back….the transition to “party” erupts. They wear it well. However, I do feel The Eck Man is in his own category...."Awesome” What kinda conditioner was he using...wow!

    Sincerely,
    Mr.Belvedere

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  7. hahahaha. I can't stop looking at Jagr. I think I'm falling in love. How does that even happen to someones head, i can't get over it. Good stuff.

    -Faherty

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  8. My vote goes to the Shelby Sensation, The Reverse Hipachi Master, The Man with the Golden Dick, Doctor Cock and Balls, #55 Kenny Powers!!!

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  9. This is going to come as no surprise, I am going with Jags in the Breeze. The best part about Jagr's hair is that it contained all of his hockey skills. As soon as he left the Burgh, then cut off the party end of his unbelievable flowing locks of mullet after his brief stint on the crapitals, he just became another overpriced/over the hill New York Ranger and now washed up Russian leaguer.

    I can only assume that we are going to have a dirt track for the mulleters as it is their natural racing surface. I say we stick a lane of Ice down around the track for Jags. If this is done, no one else has a chance. He will come flying around the lane of ice, aerodynamic on top and that sweet back end flapping in the wind.

    If Primetime Neon can get an early lead on the rest of the field, the grease from that curl could be the different. The mullet will cause all of the grease to funnel to the back end, as he is booking around the track that grease will cause oil slicks all over the track. I can see a few of the Mulleters going down when running into the giant oil pools.

    Many of these contestants should be banned from competition, those steroids had to help grow the mullets stronger and thicker. Kruk will end up trying to take out Randy as payback for the all star buzzing in which he almost took off Kruks mullet. Piazza will gladly fall behind the pack.

    All of this will mean absolutely nothing though. We all know the Dutch can just time travel to the finish line...hopefully bringing the Mullet crazy into the 2010's.

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  10. I have to go with Randy Johnson on this one even though he hails from North of the border. I cast my vote due to the fact that he is still sporting his in the new millenium!! It's impossible to imagine the Big Unit sans Mullet.

    I would have probably voted for Canseco if you could have found a current tatoo-clad picture of him (possibly in one of his losing boxing matches) or on the Surreal Life, this guy just can't get enough bad pub.

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  11. Stevie J.- I like where your head is at and Kenny Powers' mullet is awesome, but here's someting to think about. The guys you see above paved the way for the Kenny Powers of the world. In addition, Powers' mullet was contrived by comedic writers. The guys on this list are dead serious. Did you see the look on Canseco's face? He's not playin'. The beauty of the Mullet Derby is that these guys actually chose the mullet as their go to style in real life and many have stuck with it over the years. A fictional character has nothing for these true mullet pioneers.

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  12. Jagr's is off the charts, but he's from Europe so he gets about a ten year grace period. Three's Company is currenlty the highest rated TV show in his hometown and they just found out Van Halen broke up...

    My vote would have to be McGwire's because if you asked him about it he would deny it saying something like "I'm hear to talk about my current haircut. I'm not hear to talk about my haircuts of the past"

    -MH

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  13. when i first was making my pick i was gonna go with Brian Bosworth until i realized that it didn't have that natural look to it.And the coloring was a little to much for me, although i liked the close shave on the sides.thats why i wanted to go with a guy more like krukker so much more natural it doesn't even look like he ever touched it like no shampoo or anything

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  14. Jags in the Breeze is clearly the class of this field. He was dead serious with that mane. It looked absolutely glorious everytime he was on a breakaway during his Penguin years. Truly a thing of beauty flowing in the wind.

    Big Unit to me is next best in this field. His mullet is enhanced by how truly ugly he is.

    After that I am going to go with Wild Thing and the Nut Krukker. Really solid Mullets to throw in any and all exotics.

    My Dark Horse is Primetime Neon. The wetness and versatility of this mullet make him dangerous in any field.

    I am going to Put Jags in the Breeze on top of my $5 Super Box that includes Big Unit, Wild Thing and the Nut Krukker. With a Jackson on Primetime Neon across the board.

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  15. Sirrrr,

    You may not consider tennis to be a "real" sport, but I certainly do...so I'm requesting that Andre Agassi be added to this list with his fair share of support as the greatest sports mullet to ever be rocked.

    - Ronnie Baseball

    P.S. Please post a picture of your mullet days for all of your fans out there.

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  16. Screw these guys. My vote goes to the man with all the 'tools,' Richard Dean Anderson aka MacGyver.

    Dig it.

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