Breaking News: Mullet Derby Future Wagers Start Today!

by Ryan Hohman

With all this talk about the 93’ Phillies, I got to thinking; 1988-1994 was, like or not, the mullet era in baseball, and really in all professional sports. I, myself ROCKED, and I mean ROCKED a rickdiculous mullet with 3 lines shaved in the side and thick coating of Butch Wax to maintain my flattop’s spiky integrity. Inspiration for my mullet was all around and in all fairness baseball mullets are the cream of the crop. You can only really appreciate a solid mullet by seeing how it flows out of the back of fitted baseball cap. Looking back at my old baseball cards, I saw some top-notch manes and thought the title of “Best Mullet of the Mullet Era” needed to be decided. I enlisted the help of my big brother Wes, a handicapper extraordinaire and we’ve put together a nice field of mullets.

I’m a big fan of combining like terms and combining my passions and with most excited 2 minutes in sports just 5 weeks away and mullets on my mind, I’m proud to announce that as of today, future bets on the first ever Mullet Derby will commence. Here’s how you get involved. Peruse the field and cast your vote for the top four mullets in our field. I will be keeping you updated with results from the Mullet Derby prep races so that you can see how your picks are shaping up for the mother of all mullet races, The Mullet Derby which refuses to take a back seat to The Running of the Roses and will be run the Thursday before the first Saturday in May. Your votes will ultimately determine the final field for The Derby and will influence the outcome of The Mullet Derby itself.

The Mullet Derby hopefuls with current odds and a preview:
Entry name in bold print

From the 93’ Phillies

1. 20-1 Dude Nails Dick Strap (Lenny Dykstra)- Curly, blonde mullet that usually looked extremely wet. Could set the early pace, but may not be able to make the distance. Also, there is concern about whether or not he’ll make it to the gate without a confrontation between his mullet and Primetime Neon. Also, his constant spitting of tobacco juice may slow him just enough and the clumps of chaw that he deposits on the track could distract the other mullets.

2. 5-1 Wild Thing (Mitch Williams)- Short, spiked waves on top with good body in the back. This mullet will surely have his trademark “No Fear” headband on, adding the intimidation factor to an already formidable mullet. Two concerns with this mullet: First he’s been known to crumble in big spots and he also has a tendency to veer to the right in the stretch run. With such a large field expected, he may be banging his way through traffic coming to the wire.

3. 12-1 Dutch Lunacy (Darren Daulton)- Another mullet of the blonde variety, but much wispier than Dude Nails Dickstrap’s . Less heralded stablemate of Wild Thing who has been overlooked because of Wild Thing’s mullet prowess. The big question is does this mullet have the mental make-up to step out of the shadows and establish himself as an elite mullet. This mullet is a beauty but it’s going to take more than that to win this one.

4. 12-1 The Nut Krukker (John Kruk)- Longevity is key for this thick, brown beauty. An extremely solid gelding mullet that does not possess the speed or power of some of the other mullets in the field. He will relish the spotlight of such a big race however and may not have the balls to win but will look to grind out a victory. This mullet has stood the test of time and looks exquisite either hatted or free flowing.

West Coast Invaders

5. 15-1 The Snitching Chemist (Jose Canseco)- The black beauty of mullets. The first entrant from the famed Bash Brothers Stable has all the confidence to win the race, but may waver when faced with fuller mullets. Canseco’s mullet redefined the mullet in 91’ and opened doors for future mullets but there will be no love lost and no loyalties heading into this contest. He is versatile and can go spiked or parted down the middle, but it may not be enough.

6. 9-1 Big Mac Crybaby (Mark McGwire)- Another blonde breed, this time with waves. The other half of the Bash Brothers Stable entry should have the juice to match the competition, but may fade in stretch just like the hairline of this star. The Bash Brothers entry will be a nice choice to add to your exotics

7. 10-1 The Eck Man Cometh (Dennis Eckersley)- A poker straight, feathered and deep brown mullet + handlebar mustache= a tough mullet to beat. This mullet is a closer in the truest sense. An underappreciated mullet that may have been overshadowed by his Bash Brother brethren, he will be coming hard at the end who will have a big advantage reaching the wire, porn stache first.

8. 70-1 Pretty Homoerotic (Mike Piazza)- Deep brown, thick, but lacking perseverance and confidence. His forced swagger is just not enough and questins about his ability to rise to the occasion have plagued him throughout his career. His speed and heart are both question marks. I expect this mullet to be bringing up the rear (pun intended).

The Dark Horse

9. 20-1 Primetime Neon (Deion Sanders)- Jerry curled and dripping, this mullet is a fine specimen. We all know that Primetime Neon will have the speed and versatility to compete and he has shown great perseverance by sticking with his mullet even though most of his breed went short by 91’. He’ll also need to be mentally tough to withstand pernicious slurs that may be hurled his way by Dude Nails Dickstrap.

Midwest Menace

10. 6-1 Shooter McMullet (Rod Beck)- Wow! This mullet was the total package. Dark, ratty, wavy, full of body, and consistent. Shooter stuck with his mullet for over a decade and his handlebar stache which was much thicker than The Eck Man’s coupled with his grit could make him one of the favorites.

Canadian Party Crashers

11. 7-2 Big Unit (Randy Johnson)- Incomparable, unbeatable, legendary…these are just a few terms used to describe this mullet. This is the one mullet the rest of the field fears. Perfect in every way, size, shape, body, this mullet has stood the test of time and looks to cement his legacy as the Secretariat of mullets.

12. 30-1 Curly Kid Mullet (Gary Carter)- The only curly fro mullet in the field has shown great grit and determination. It was not easy to turn those curls into a mullet. He’s had a hall of fame career but it remains to be seen if those ailing curls will hold up against this brutally competitive field.

Breed Exemptions: This is the mother of all mullet races and thus could not be run without the following representatives!

13. 9-2 Jags in the Breeze (Jaromir Jagr)- This is the very best mullet from the brutally competitive NHL breed. This mullet is the most glorious thing these eyes have seen. This mullet has it all: size, length, girth, waves, curls, and the confidence to back it. You name it Jags has it. He has pummeled all comers in his own ultra competitive breed and now looks to add yet another mullet trophy to his mantle. He’s stared down the best and walked away on top every time, he will be very tough to beat and will not be intimidated.

14. 6-1 King Bozroids (Brian Bosworth)- His look redefined the mullet and literally took it to a whole new dimension. When I look back at my own mullet, King Bozroid’s was my inspiration. This mullet stands an excellent chance primarily because of his unprecedented swagger. It may be this type of confidence and risk-taking that may make the difference against a loaded field.

Take your picks...post a comment with your exactas, tri's, and super's and feel free to box'em up.

Some of you may be saying, "this is absurd." You're absolutely right, which is exactly what makes it so great. I will at some point this year actually talk about the current Phillies...if I feel like it.