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Phillies Blog: Writer Bio Ryan Hohman

The life and times of Ryan Hohman aka Ry Hoh
Height: Listed at 6’ but actually 5’9 just like my boy A.I.
Born: 2/8/80 in Trenton, NJ. My life has been dominated by 2’s and 8’s. I was 8 pounds 8 ounces and born at 2:28 on 2/8/80…kinda freaky huh?
Status: Somewhere around the “M” List…wait that’s not what this was supposed to mean. I’m married and have been for almost 6 years. Yes, I’m the uncool friend who got married first and has been subsequently left out of most plans to dumbrush the bar scene ever since(thanks fellas).
Job(s): I’ll do just about anything for money (Get your mind out of the gutter…sicko). I teach 7th grade English and thus deal with the ridiculous acts and raging hormones of 12 & 13 year olds for 7.5 hours per day. I ref youth basketball and coach boys and girls basketball at William Penn MS in Yardley (girls rule, boys drool). I also scare people for extra cash and for my own personal enjoyment as part of Shadybrook Farm’s Horrorfest.
Top Fives:
People- 1.Wifey (Brooke 27 ) 2.Daughter (Joley, 4 months) 3.Brother (Wes Hoh 31), Dad (Kimbo), Mom (Mare) 4.Guys named Bob (Knight, Hurley Sr., Hurley Jr. to name a few) 5. Ltowners and Fairless Hillians
Places-1. My bed 2. Neptune 3. Beach 4. Chipotle 5. OV Mall
Books-1. Tom Sawyer 2. 1984 3. The Grapes of Wrath 4. The Case for Christ 5. The Miracle of St. Anthony
Movies-1. Bronx Tale 2. Goodfellas 3. Good Will Hunting 4. The Usual Suspects 5. Wedding Crashers
Shoes- 1. Air Max 90’s 2. Air Max Originals 3. Jordan IV’s 4. Clark’s Wallabees 5. Adidas Gazelles
Rappers- 1. Black Thought (The Roots), 2. Nas 3. Guru 4. Talib Kweli 5.Jeru the Damaja
Groups- 1. The Roots 2. Tribe Called Quest 3. Gangstarr 4. Blackstar 5.Wu-Tang Clan
Interests- 1.Napping 2. Eating 3. Watching People (not in a creepy, stalkerish way) 4. Napping 5. Reading and Writing
Food/Drink- 1. Brownies 2. Coke Slurpees 3. Chik-fil-a Sweet tea 4. Meat (any will do) 5. Starbursts and Skittles (combined)
Kill List- Just what it sounds like. Don’t judge me. Everyone should have one. I would absolutely kill these people if I could get away with it.
1. Kobe Bryant-He’s been atop my kill list for almost a decade. I just don’t really dig arrogant, (alleged) rapists who don’t know where they’re from. A message to Kobe: You are not from Philly and we loathe you. You grew up in Italy, moved to the Main Line and don’t know what it’s like to struggle. Oh yeah, and you will never be Michael Jordan. You’re more Scottie Pippen minus the flattop and mangled nose.
2. Gus, the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania-It’s not that I’m partial to Phil and feel Gus is trying to take his shine, but if I’m told to keep on scratchin’ one more time I’m going to bash his fuzzy little head in. I drew the line with him doing stand up. This would be a painful execution.
3. Tim McCarver-This would be a mercy kill for every baseball fall that has to listen to the whining windbag. He’s never said anything more insightful than “it’s important that Hamels work ahead.” No crap Tim, it’s rule one in pitching: Work Ahead!
4. Anyone who wears a cowboy hat and/or boots on a daily basis-They look ridiculous and the forced swagger of these idiots is truly disturbing. If you add a big belt buckle to this ensemble I will immediately snipe you. Wake up weenies, it’s 2009, and the West isn’t that wild anymore.
5. Jennifer Lopez-A fixture at the five spot ever since her interview with Barbara Walters. J. Lo said that she has something like a billion pairs of designer shoes because as a kid growing up in the Bronx (which she mentions incessantly) she was the little girl with holes in her shoes. I have a better idea, why don’t go find some kids in the Bronx with holes in their shoes and buy’em a pair of Air Force 1’s you self-indulgent waste of lady lumps. It’s like that box office flop of hers, ENOUGH!
Just missed the list…Stuart Scott, Craig Sager, Billy Packer, Wheels, Yankees fans, Giants fans, Mets fans, guys who tan, sloppily gel their hair into a mini-mohawk and wax their bodies (it’s effeminate), Joe Carter, and YOU! Just kidding! Read my article every Thursday or else your name will appear on this list. That’s not a threat, it’s promise.

6 comments:

  1. Best of this bunch that is writing these posts.

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  2. Trom told me you were funny. I am the funniest guy Trom knows. But I must agree that I think that I am going to like this blog!

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  3. Stu Scott has to be at least tied for 5th. Think when he was an every dayer on SC, I know he made me hate myself for listening to his f'ing ridiculous attempt to be "hip-hop"

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  4. Lay off Stu! How could you possibly leave Chris Collinsworth off of the list? Now there is a shlub for you.

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  5. Joe Theisman should be tied with McCarver. These two windbags need to be exiled.

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