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Rock the Vote

by Ryan Hohman

The Phillies organization is nothing if not nostalgic. The big wigs on Broad and Pattison like to start each new season with a retrospective. In that vein, the Phils released this year’s candidates to be added to the Wall of Fame in Ashburn Alley. Fans can vote at on the Phils’ website and the finalists will be scrutinized by the all-powerful selection committee. Since there are sure to be zero fans on the committee, I decided I would be a voice of reason. Here’s who I like.
In the category of NO FRIGGIN’ WAY should these guys be on the Wall:

Jack Baldschun- Never heard of him. That’s an automatic D.Q.

Roy Thomas & Fred Luderas- Never heard of them, and I hate to say it, but these guys are dead. Dead guys would appreciate the honor far less than those who are still amongst the living and if you’re no longer with us you need some serious numbers to justify a spot. I know that’s colder than these guys bodies, but if you look at their stats, and I have, they’re just not good enough or alive enough to be on the Wall.

Gene Garber- This name sounds familiar but his Phillies career is based on one win in 1977, three years before I was born. This win snapped a 62 year drought for post-season wins by the Phils, but it’s not enough. Go fish Gene!

Larry Christenson- His career ERA is over 4 and a game 4 shelling in the 80’ World Series eliminates him from contention. Pack a lunch Larry.

Doug Glanville- He stole a nomination from Steve Jeltz first of all. Second of all he threw and swung like a girl. Let me clarify. He swung and threw like a girl who likes guys, not those burly behemoths with spiky hair. Those beasts grip and rip and have canons like those kids on that Tom Emanski commercial where Fred McGriff wears that crushed, marshmallow mesh hat.

Ricky Botallico- His 97’ Upper Deck Baseball card is a deal breaker for me. Ricky is pulling his sleeve up and flexing while staring dreamily at the camera. Ricky, you weren’t good enough to pull that pose off and you weren’t good enough to be on the Wall.

Ehhh!!! Maybe they’re Wallers, maybe not

Greg Gross- He has the fourth most pinch hits in MLB history, but do pinch-hitters really deserve a spot on a Wall of Fame? I worry about the precendent that voting Greg onto the Wall sets. Teams around the league will need to add guys like, Lenny Harris, Francisco Cabrera, John Vander Wal, & Rusty Staub to their respective Walls. Too many pinch hitters on a Wall will ruin the Fung Shui of a franchise.

Rick Wise- I would’ve said, “no friggin’ way” if he wasn’t traded straight up for Steve Carlton. Stupid Cardinals! He also had one of the best games in history in 71’, no hitting the Reds and clubbing two dingers in the win.

Jim Fregosi- I’m partial to the 93’ Phils even though they crushed my pre-pubescent dreams. Fregosi’s numbers are about as impressive as his smile (.482 winning percentage & did he ever smile?). I do appreciate the obvious mullet mandate which he must have decreed for the 93’ season, there is no other explanation for the collection of manes on that squad.

Von Hayes- His batting stance may be the most imitated for whiffleball purposes of all time. This alone could get him on the Wall in my eyes. Add to this that some speculate that Von’s name made cinematic history when Willie May Hayes famously told his manager Lou Brown in Major League that he ran like Hayes to which Lou Brown legendarily quipped, “you may run like Hayes but you hit like sh*t.” It’s more likely Mays-Hayes was referring to “Bullet” Bob Hayes, Olympic sprint champion and legendary Cowboy great, but a boy can dream. The stain left by the infamous 5 for 1 trade tainted Hayes’ legacy and may be topped only by the Phils shipping Larry Bowa and Ryne Sandburg to Chicago for Ivan freaking DeJesus. The two trades combine to be a finalist in the Durex Condoms boner of the decade contest.

Abso-FRIGGIN’-lutely put’em on the Wall

Jim Konstanty-This dead guy has the numbers and even though he’s old school, I knew who he was even though he died four years before my birth. That’s a big plus. He was a member of the “Whiz Kids,” arguably the most beloved Phillies team ever. 1950 was a big year for Casimir James Konstanty(his given name). He won 16 games and saved 22, leading the Whiz Kids to the World Series. He also won NL MVP beating out the likes of Stan Musial and Ralph Kiner. The only thing more impressive than this is the fact that he won the AP Male Athlete of the Year despite the fact that the Phils lost to the Yankees in the World Series.

Lenny Dykstra- Some detractors will say that Lenny is more associated with the hated Mets than the Phillies…hogwash I say. Nails was the heart and soul of the Phils 93’ NL Championship team. The guy played like he was on steroids…well you see my point. Dude or Lenny “Dick Strap” as my dad used call him, which the more I think of it is really creepy (what is a dick strap? Where would one find such a thing? Are there any horse socks? Is anyone listening to me? Call my shrink and bring me a Xanax stat!) was as clutch as it gets. He hit .321 in the postseason with a .433 OBP, 10 dongs (sans dick straps), and 112 runs scored. His 93’ season alone gets him on the Wall. He hit .301 with a .420 OBP, 19 HR and finished second in MVP voting to fellow juice head Barry Bonds. One of the filthiest players in baseball ironically opened a string of carwashes after he hung’em up that were as cleverly named as “Da Bar” in Levittown. He was controversial on the field and that controversy followed Lenny into his third career as a stock expert. Lenny allegedly pawned off the advice of seasoned stock analyst Richard Suttmeir’s as his own. Then there’s the recent story in GQ about Lenny being a racist and a homophobe. That doesn’t sound like the Lenny I know and copied throughout my illustrious Little League career.

John Kruk- The loveable load was the fat face of the franchise in 93’. Although he only played 5 seasons in Philadelphia, Krukker endeared himself to the fans here in the city with his slovenly, sloppy appearance and his winning personality. Kruk hit .323 in that magical 93’ season with 14 homeruns. Despite his girth, Krukker was not a power hitter, clubbing only 21 bombs in his best season (91’) and he didn’t smash double digit dingers in any other season with the Phils. He’s the opposite of a skinny fat guy (think, Nas’ God Son album cover). Kruk’s claim to fame came in Baltimore at the 93’ All-Star Game after The Big Unit buzzed Kruks head with a heater after previously scaring the crap out of Larry Walker with a similar pitch. Krukker, with his drawers soiled for sure, swung his helmet around and went down looking like a man. The only funnier response to a “fly-by” of this nature appears in Top Gun when the Air Boss spills his coffee, soaking his crotch then screams, “G@d d*mn it, that’s twice, I want some butts.” Kruk’s backward helmet ranks right up there with Happy Gilmore being the only hockey player to take off his skate and try to stab someone with it as great first and onlys in sports. Thanks for the memories Krukker, and for keeping your mullet and actually doing a great job at ESPN.

Darren Daulton- Why did I vote for Dutch? Well, he’s a complete lunatic and if he doesn’t make the Wall of Fame he may go off the deep end. Although he may be sabotaging himself so he can go on Maury (or more likely the Steve Wilkos Show) with a conspiracy theory about how he was kept off the Wall…his website says voting has closed even though it doesn’t close until the 26th. He’s a career .245 hitter, but again, his 93’ season is enough to get him on the Wall. He hit a career best 24 homers and batted .257. With the spotlight fading, Daulton lost it. He says he had “out of body experience” at Wrigley Field while rounding first after hitting a double that he doesn’t remember hitting. This isn’t even the confusing part. Dutch has actually said, with a straight face, that he’s traveled through time and is eagerly awaiting December 12, 2012, the final day of the Mayan Calendar when all humanity will rise to another realm or dimension…yeah right. Another dimension…sure, whatever you say Darren. Here’s what actually happened. He was 35 and had barely sniffed the grass because Charles Johnson was the everyday catcher in Florida. He couldn’t handle that it was over and had to create some way to stay in the spotlight. He chose complete lunacy. His whole act seems like one of those lies that gets so big that you can’t keep up with it. Like some middles school kid telling the girl he likes that he’s color blind so she has sympathy on him only it’s hard to remember that from time to time your clothes shouldn’t match just to prove the point. I do feel sorry for Daulton. Dutch has been arrested several times for DUI in Florida, had a scrape for domestic abuse and has been divorced twice. For someone who says that the Bible has all the answers, he sure hasn’t gotten the message. Wouldn’t it be nice if he could travel back in time so that he could call a cab or not smack his wife around. Wait, maybe he can.

Now it’s your turn. Get out there and vote for the Wall of Famers of your choice. Voting ends on March 26th.

13 comments:

  1. i find this so hilarious even though i've never heard of any of the players besides kruker,the lunatic and dykstra who would get my vote. and by the way the word nostalgic was on my sat this past week too bad i didn't know it existed before then. What does it mean anyways?

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  2. For some reason I feel as though the color blind story comes straight out of the classroom. Number 1 reason why I love middle school- Hormones make teenagers do hilarious shit.

    My vote goes to Dutch! We have to get him on the wall before he travels back in time and ends up never even playing for the Phils. Maybe in his world the voting has already ended...maybe he can go back and up his numbers for the 1993 season...maybe he can go back to the 1993 world series and call a different pitch for Mitch that he, now knows, won't be able to hit. Dutch could actually end up being the Phillies greatest asset ever, he could help us win countless championships, past and future, and therefore should be placed on the wall.

    Side note, I would gladly vote for 1 ball or Da Dude, who is in fact cooler than Miles Davis. Why don't we just put one giant spot up on that wall for the whole 1993 team. Ricky Bo should be up on the wall for his Post Game antics on comcast.

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  3. Totally agree wit The Dude, Dutch, and one nut Kruker...never heard of Casimir but if you say he's in then i'm with you...I have to pass on Von Hayes...he was pretty much a stiff in my eyes...Even though i hated Fregosi he gets my vote 'cause he used to sneak butts in the corner of the dugout...And Oh Hell No for Glanville and Ricky Bottalico...Top notch stiffs...Good stuff...Keep 'em comin Ry

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  4. Haha what you said about Daulton was halarious. I don't know half of these guys, but I agree with you about John Kruk. A big play maker.

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  5. Pretty funny stuff!! How and why do you know so many dead baseball guys?

    I agree with Nails even tho he's a 'roid, the Krukker 'cause he's "the Krukker", maybe on the mostly pathetic Daulton and no bleepin' way on Hayes, Bottalico and the tokin' smokin' Fregosi! But Greg Gross is 'Abso-FRIGGIN’-lutely' a MUST.

    What's your problem with Glanville? How many Ivy Leaguers have played for the Phils? He could at least run fast! Big Larry should at least be considered in part for his clubhouse antics...

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  6. Honestly, I could care less about who the Phils put on their wall or on the field for that matter. I only read Mr. Hohman's articles for the wordage and his Rick-diculous sarcastic tone. This article greatly surpassed his first one. Kudos to you Mr. Hohman. You're a modern day renaissance man.

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  7. GG is an automatic whether he was a pinch hitter or not...it's an important job, look no further than Dobber last year. On the subject, is Del Unser on the Wall, he should be.

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  8. D. Put
    GG is a maybe just like I said. He's a career .287 hitter which is nice and he was a great PH, but that's not enough to be a Famer.
    Here's the key, GG was 0-15 in his two post-seasons with the Phils. With this criteria both Dobbs and Matt Stairs should eventually be Famers and neither deserve a spot designated for elite players/people who've made special contributions.

    Del Unser is an interesting name to bring up. He's a famer way before GG b/c he actually produced when it mattered. Del hit .400 in LCS adn .500 in the 80' WS. That's special. His 2 pinch hits in game 5 of the LCS keyed a come from behind win. He has a double in the 11th and scored the game winner. He doubled and scored the game winner in a pivotal game 5 of the WS also.
    Del was also traded for Tug McGraw in 74 or 75 but eventually was resigned as a free agent. Though he was a key cog with some big hits, he also brought Tugger here. IMO Del is abso-friggin'-lutely in when nominated for making a special contribution to a WS Champion.

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  9. I'm going with "dick strap." Anyone remember that mouth full of snuff!?!?! If anyone can have a season like he did with that $@!^ in his mouth then they have my vote!

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  10. I knew you weren't C-B. It was all just a ploy to land your lady. How you had the foresight to start the lie 15 years before you met her is astonishing.

    Anyway, Nails has my vote. His homer in the 10th off Mark Wohlers in 93' NLCS will never be forgotten. Like you said his 93' season alone gets him on the wall. 194 hits, 142 runs and he led the league in walks, sick. He should have been MVP, despite what fathead did. It sounds like he's pretty much a scumbag today, but I definitely would have wore his jersey back in the day.

    Kruk is a close second for me Great hitter and a great character. I'm actually depressed he's with ESPN because I remember when he was the Phils color man for a couple seasons. In my opinion he was the greatest but left for ESPN cause they are paying him like 10 times more, literally. And I think he used to steam butts too, Bruce.

    Good God Daulton's a whack job.

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  11. Tough to decide between the '93' guys. I had to take an unorthodoxed approach to come to a decision. Kruk is disqualified because the fact that he was a professional athlete with a beer gut always bothered me. Dykstra for his mullet and Daulton for his post career antics. Which leaves me with Von Hayes. Considering the first jersey I chose in Minor League baseball was #9, I may have already been partial, but Von gets my vote.

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  12. Keep 'em comin'. We need more!!!!

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  13. Well said my friend, keep me laughin!

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