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Mullet Derby Recap: Expect the Expected… and the Unexpected While You’re At It!


By Ryan Hohman

Post Positions for the First Mullet Derby

1. Jags in the Breeze (Jaromir Jagr)- (SCR)

2. Dude Nails Dickstrap (Lenny Dykstra)- 20-1

3. The Eck Man Cometh (Dennis Eckersley)- 10-1

4. Wild Thing (Mitch Williams)- 9-2

5. King Bozroids (Brian Bosworth) [NFL Exemption]- 7-2

6. Primetime Neon (Deion Sanders)- 18-1

7. Big Mac Crybaby (Mark McGwire)- 12-1

8. Dutch Lunacy (Darren Daulton)- 12-1

9. Pretty Homoerotic (Mike Piazza)- 70-1

10. Snitches Get Riches (Jose Canseco)- 14-1

11. Curly Kid Mullet (Gary Carter)- 30-1

12. The Big Unit (Randy Johnson)- 3-1

13. Shooter McMullet (Rod Beck)- 8-1

14. The Nut Krukker (John Kruk)- 12-1

No Pic avail. 15. Ry Hoh’s Revenge (Ryan Hohman) [author exemption]- 99-1

Mullet handicappers from across the globe flocked to Levittown Downs at Neptune Lane Wednesday afternoon trying to cash in on the first ever Mullet Derby. Jags in the Breeze had become the bettor’s choice on Tuesday, overtaking The Big Unit, the morning line favorite. However, Jags in the Breeze’s handlers decided to scratch the most dominant mullet of the NHL breed citing the mullets difficulty acclimating itself to the surface. The weather forecast didn’t bode well for Jags’ connections either. A week of rain and thunderstorms all but guaranteed a sloppy track and Jags’ connections didn’t want to risk injury especially since Jags prefers ice and because he’s already slotted to run in the NHL breed prestigious “Party In the Rear Handicap.”

Pretty Homoerotic had a difficult time getting in the gate. He stood a few feet behind it for several minutes with his goatee agape staring at the backside of each mullet. During this time, Wild Thing, who arrived late and was reportedly heavily intoxicated, puked all over himself and reared violently as Pretty Homoerotic tried to give King Bozroids a jump. To pass the time while Pretty Homoerotic tried to violate the field with his eyes and member, Snitches Get Riches pulled a pocket mirror from his mane and stared longingly at himself and silently decided he needed to switch back to flat top from feathered, while Primetime Neon applied a generous glob of Jheri to make sure his mullet’s drip was as good as it should be. “This is the mother of all mullet races,” Primetime thought, “it’s no time to look like a chump.” Dutch Lunacy passed the time bragging about how this race was in the bag since he would be teleporting to the finish any second. Big Mac Crybaby seemed to appreciate Dutch’s foresight and sniffled, “yeah let’s talk about the future,” in a voice that was half yell, half hysterical cry. As Big Mac sobbed, Dutch Lunacy continued to rant and squeezed in no less than 10 plugs for his new book and website. Dude Nails Dickstrap had had enough by this time. He whipped his head around sadistically spewing chaw and hate in Pretty Homoerotic’s direction. PH finally broke and with lip a quiver and mullet flattened, he finally waddled into the gate.

The field broke from the gate like a thunderclap. At least most of the field broke from the gate. Snitches Get Riches was apparently so engrossed with his own reflection that when the others broke, he remained frozen, staring at his reflection. Wild Thing stumbled and then crumbled into a heap of sweat and vomit. He laid motionless on the track, groaning and trying to justify wearing number 99 even though he drew post position 4 and his fastball topped out at 89 mph. Dutch Lunacy also remained motionless. Beads of sweat soon appeared on his brow and onlookers reported that he was murmuring strange incantations under his breath obviously trying to carry out his planned teleportation.

As the field passed the Grandstand for the first time and headed for the Clubhouse Turn, Primetime Neon snatched the lead, set a blistering pace, and covered the track in juice like the oil slick defense in Spy Hunter. As the field hit the backstretch, Wild Thing was stumbling around by the gate, Dutch Lunacy had crapped his pants from intense concentration caused by trying to push himself into the future, and Snitches Get Riches was telling everyone who would listen that his performance today was not his fault. In fact, he was heard shouting, “I’m gonna write a book about this sh*t. You’re all screwed!….Now where the hell is my flobee,” before disappearing into the crowd. Primetime Neon still held the lead, and was being stalked by Dude Nails Dickstrap on the outside who hurled tobacco juice laced racial epitaphs at Primetime with each stride. The leaders, who were leaving a trail of disaster behind them, were followed by a pack that included King Bozroid with Pretty Homoerotic staring lustfully at his “Party,” and The Nut Krukker who was loafing along singing “Sweet Home Alabama”to no one in particular. Curly Kid Mullet followed looking rickety and Big Mac Crybaby was still crying and now mumbling “I hate myself, I hate myself” under his breath. Shooter McMullet whose flowing locks couldn’t conceal the fact that he was about to have stroke, and the favorite, The Big Unit, whose acne scars flared with intensity and fury rounded out the chase group. Still further back were The Eck Man Cometh, whose feathered tresses and stache waved breathtakingly in the wind. Last was the unheralded long shot Ry Hoh’s Revenge who was slow out of the gate because he was reapplying his Butch Wax to the front of his spiky mullet masterpiece. Many handicappers thought Ry Hoh’s Revenge was a little out of his league in this field, but he looked strong as the leaders hit the far turn.

The field turned for home, and all hell broke loose. A hooded Dude Nails Dickstrap supporter hurdled the rail and tackled Primetime Neon, crushing his Mullet Derby dreams and committing a hate crime in one fell swoop. Dude took the lead but only momentarily. Wild Thing, who had been wandering near the gate and mumbling inaudible nonsense, saw three of his old pal (DND) striding toward him. For the first time all day, Wild Thing decided to run... right into oncoming traffic at the middle Dude. Drunk Thing extended his arms into wide, man-hug ready position and repeatedly slurred, “I’m coming to get you little buddy!” Dude reacted too late to avoid the bear hug and was flattened by Wild Thing’s display of affection. Pretty Homoerotic who hadn’t stopped staring at King Bozroid’s “Party” since the field had passed the Grandstand and thus, did not see the developing melee in front of him. He was tripped up when Drunk Thing stuck out a lifeless arm moaning, “the Mets are gay hahahahaha!” Pretty Homoerotic would not let the mullet of his dreams escape however, and he drug King Bozroids to the ground with him and immediately began to caress Bozroids’ lightning bolts. What started as drunken man hug, would end as a 8 mullet pile up. Curly Kid Mullet tried to hurdle the drunk, the anti-Semite, and the new couple, but the impact of his landing shattered both of his weary knees. Curly Kid Mullet writhed in pain and barrel rolled directly into a hard charging Shooter McMullet knocking him out of contention. Big Mac Crybaby Mac saw the Wild Thing and Dude in a love embrace and decided he wanted in. He jumped on the two of them and performed his signature man hug which included a jovial uppercut to the solarplexes. On impact, Wild Thing horked again, this time in projectile fashion and covered The Big Unit in sludge just as he tried to slide by on the outside. Blinded and disoriented, The Big Unit tried to regain his composure, but skidded into the rail after twisting his ankle on Dude’s residual chaw.

The only mullet from the chase pack to escape the debacle, The Nut Krukker, sqeaked by at the rail and took the lead. The Nut Krukker held the lead with 300 yards to go, but he was fading. The sweet tune he was singing earlier was replaced by heavy panting and a reapeated “Oh crap, oh crap, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die.” Meanwhile The Eck Man Cometh was closing like a freight train. As the two approached the line, Eck Man with a full head of steam and The Nut Krukker on the verge of a massive heart attack, the unthinkable happened. Dutch Lunacy appeared out nowhere shouting, “I did it, I told you I could travel through time. Who’s the psycho now suckers?” The Eck Man Cometh and The Nut Krukker both plowed into Dutch Lunacy who evaporated on contacted. The Eck Man and Nut Krukker laid dazed on the track as the only mullet left standing came to the wire. It was Ry Hoh’s Revenge who had managed to avoid the pile up on the turn for home Cole Trickle style and coolly jogged across the line winning the first ever Mullet Derby. The Eck Man Cometh managed to come to his senses and in a display of unheard of sportsmanship, Eck Man drug The Nut Krukker across the line, ending the mayhem. Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, Ry Hoh's Revenge. He's psyched huh?

The final running order looked like this:

Win: Ry Hoh’s Revenge (99-1) Win $202.12 Place $101.06 Show $75.70
Place: The Eck Man Cometh (10-1) Place $ 25.16 Show $16.11
Show: The Nut Krukker (12-1) Show $12. 12

Exacta (15-3) $1,780.42
Trifecta (15-3-14) $998,477.66
Superfecta (15-3-14-8) $7,024,912.66

Also Ran:

4th Place: Dutch Lunacy-Next closest to the finish and the only competitor to teleport

5th Place: King Bozroids- Still running from Pretty Homoerotic

6th Place: Pretty Homoerotic- Still chasing King Bozroids and giggling

7th Place: The Big Unit- Might kill someone, namely Wild Thing

8th Place: Curly Kid Mullet- Will collect his check after he collects his legs

9th Place: Big Mac Crybaby- Still crying and snuggling with Dude Nails Dickstrap on the homestretch

10th Place: Wild Thing- Still drunk

11th Place: Trying to get Big Mac off of him. Still hates Primetime Neon and considers the hooded “supporter” a good investment

12th Place: Shooter McMullet- Was so pissed he had to be euthanized on the track so he didn’t hurt someone

13th Place: Primetime Neon- Can’t believe “the Man” got him again

14th Place: Snitches Get Riches- Writing a tell all book as we speak

SCRATCHED: Jags in the Breeze- Relieved!