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Thank You and Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Program

5/7/09

by: Ryan Hohman

It’s been a busy week for me folks, and quite frankly, I’m exhausted after my Mullet Derby triumph (read the full recap below). I have to thank my personal trainer, Tony Horton and his spectacular P90X program which whipped my lazy behind into shape and allowed me to turn in the performance of a lifetime. Picture if you will, a grown man, doing Yoga at 5:30 in the morning...uh make that 7:30 in the evening. I look almost as ridiculous as Joe Torre in the Visa commercial, but it was sooooo worth it. I must also thank the legendary John the Barber from D’orazio’s Barber Shop in Fairless Hills. No other barber in the lower 48 states could’ve possibly crafted the winning mullet on the head of such a frail boy. I was boy amongst men and yet, my mullet has been immortalized. I’d like to thank my dad for the ride to D’orazio’s and for instilling in me, the patience to wait for John the Barber even though Albert’s seat was open as usual. And to my mom, for telling me how good my hair looked when I got home. Those kind words gave me the confidence I needed to stare down the stiffest competition in the world and come out on top. I must also thank my fellow competitors, dysfunctional as they may be. You guys were the inspiration for my mullet and paved the way for a younger generation of mullets to prove themselves on the grandest stage of all…tear. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…Thank you all!


Now that the Mullet Derby is behind me, let’s get back to your regularly scheduled program.


Don’t look now but the Phillies have leapfrogged the field and clawed their way into first place by winning 7 of their last 10 games. The Fightins have been helped by a floundering Marlins squad who has lost 6 of 10 and the sputtering Braves, who’ve hit the skids, losing 7 of their last 10. The Braves have hit the fewest homeruns in the league (19) and have made up for it by stealing the fewest bases in baseball (4). A killer combo. Add injuries to Brian McCann and Garret Anderson to the mix I haven’t seen as disastrous and an amalgamation of losing attributes since Kwame Brown combined hype, expectations, inability, and lack of work ethic. This also known as the superfecta of suckiness. In other news, apparently the Phils are overstuffed with Cheese Steaks and Butterscotch Krimpets because the home cooking has been more Old Country Buffet than gram’s roast beef and mashed potatoes thus far. The squad is paltry 6-8 at the Bank. The boys have made hay on the road however with a league best 8-3 mark outside the “City of Brotherly Shove Your Face.”


The Phils had been mashing the ball until last night’s yawnfest. Baseball purests will claim that they love to watch a pitcher’s duel, but last night’s game had the excitement and suspense of Randy Jackson’s “Idol” criticisms. “So check it out, yo, yo, yo. Check it out….aight, aight. So yo, it started off kinda boring, but then you picked it up, and I was like ‘yo, these dudes can blow’. Both teams got outta some jams, you were a little pitchy in spots. HFFF (deep inhale through his teeth), I don’t know though yo, it was just aight for me. It was just aight.” I saw the line score and immediately broke into Harry Doyle mode. “Three hits? That’s all we got is three g*d d*mn hits.” Then I realized the Mets were even worse…against Chan Ho Park of all people. If you enjoyed watching a game that had a total of 5 hits and was decided by poor Phillies defense, you must also enjoy dung flavored ice cream. The Mets starters have sucked this year with the exception of Santana and Pelfrey. Guess who the Phils will see in this two game set. With Pelfrey (3-0) and Jamie Moyer (3-1) taking to the mound tonight, this may be the worst mini-series network TV has seen since Michael Bolton, Patti LaBelle, and Nick Lachey teamed up for “Clash of the Choirs.” That’s only if the game isn’t rained out. Someone has mysteriously switched our climate with Seattle’s. I blame the Socialists…and PETA.


Cole Hamels is slated to start for Phillies tomorrow and is still looking for his first win. Quite simply, Hamels has almost reached Mega Maid Status this year. In case you forgot, Mega Maid is what Spaceball 1 turns into in order to suck all the air out of Druidia. In other words, Hamels has sucked big time. In 17 and a third, he has given up 14 runs including 5 round trippers. Opposing hitters are hitting .365 (righties are hitting .382!) off Hamels and he’s lasting just over 4 innings per start. I personally don’t think enough has been made about how Cole reacted to twisting his ankle in his last start. If I can get detailed analysis about every crap that Brett Favre has taken over the last week, I should at least get Peter Gammons mentioning the fact that no adult has whimiped out like Hamels did when he blew his wheel since Harry let Sea Bass hock on his burger in Dumb and Dumber. Seriously, you can’t at least attempt a throw to first pretty boy.


Don’t look now but Jayson Werth is totally proving me right. He’s lazy in the outfield as evidenced by him costing the Phillies the game last night. Sure, Pete Happy should’ve probably eaten that throw, but Werth didn’t move to back the play up until the throw was in the outfield. Then he committed the Cardinal Sin for outfielders: he was indecisive because he didn’t know the situation and double clutched before making his throw to the plate. Fat load, Carlos Delgado should never score from first on a ball hit to third base. EVER! If Werth’s little league coach would’ve taught him that he needs to move on every play and that as an outfielder, you must get the ball in ASAP, last night’s game may be suspended due to rain in the middle of the 37th inning. I also remember mentioning that he would hit around .260 with 20 or so homers and 75 RBI. Check his numbers so far… I’m a genius.


OTHER STUFF ON MY MIND:


The Celts-Magic Series is going to be determined by the play of Brian “Veal” Scalabrine, Eddie House, JJ Redick, Skip to My Lou and Mickael Pietrus. I’m now going to rewrite the script from The 40 Year Old Virgin replacing “You know how I know your gay” with “You know how I know the NBA blows”

You know how I know the NBA blows-the guys I mentioned above have uniforms

You know how I know the NBA blows- referees blatantly fix games and everyone knows it

You know how I know the NBA blows- Jamal Tinsley was paid almost 7 mil this season to stay the hell home

You know how I know the NBA blows- Samuel Dalembert one upped Tinsley making 10 mil and I wish he woulda stayed home

I could go all night!

A nice subplot developing in the C’s-Magic series is how many uncontested rebounds Rajon Rondo will rip out of a teammates hands. Big Baby and Kendrick Perkins must incentive laced contract that Danny Ainge is trying not pay out. My theory is that Ainge and Rondo are in cahoots. I’m keeping my eyes peeled. If I see Ainge and Rondo giggling in the tunnel at the half, I’m launching a full investigation.


I hate the Lakers and especially Kobe which means I love Yao and Ron Artest….this week. There’s no doubt that no other series has worse hair. As if Scola, Vujacic, and Gasol aren’t enough, we have to look at Von Wafer’s Mohawk (when Rick Adelman lets him sit on the bench), and Artest combining the pseudo-mohawk (also worn by Big Baby)/Anthony Mason combo. The only combo that has caused more pain this week was delivered by Pac Man to Ricky Hatton’s face.


I would love to get a number on how much weed the Denver Nuggets smoke as a unit. These guys must rip through QP’s like it’s nothing. Between Kenyon Martin, Melo, JR Smith, Chris Andersen and Renaldo Balkman, I can’t think of a more weeded lineup. Chris Andersen has got to be smoking something. There’s just no other logical explanation for his act. I’m guessing players only meetings consist mostly of gravity bongs, Dutch Masters, Wu-Tang, and Madden, with Scarface showing on an adjacent flat screen of course.


The Cavaliers may not lose a game…ever again. I know this is a clear mushing, but their focus has been phenomenal especially when you consider that Delonte West is one of the scariest looking people in America. Is he black? Is he Hispanic? Does he have any leprechaun in him? Seriously, he scares me. And that LeBron James, whew, he could be a star some day.


The Caps-Pens series is a real treat. I know hockey’s not relevant, but playoff hockey is fantastic especially when the three best players in the world right now are playing in the same arena. Sid the Kid is a complete pansy and spends more time on his back than Britney Spears, but there hasn’t been a guy who scares the crap out me when he has the puck behind the net like Crosby does since the Oilers played the Flyers in the 87’ Stanley Cup Finals. At the age of 7, I damn near soiled myself everytime the Great One touched the puck. And if he was behind the cage, forget about it, I hid my face in the couch pillows. Sidebar: JJ Bag a Donuts goal in game 6 is one of the greatest memories of my childhood. Watching Evgeni Malkin is like watching the And 1 Mixtape Tour on ice…only he’s actually really good. He makes defenders look ridiculous and he makes it look really easy. Those guys are good, but I’ve never seen anything like Alexander Ovechkin. He’s my hero actually. There’s never been a player, that I’ve seen who’s as skilled with the puck, as good a goal scorer, and manages to still hit everything that moves like Alex the Great. He’s so good that he stole Alexander Mogilny’s nickname. I would love to see Mogilny say something about it. Ovechkin would chuckle, then snap a wrister off his temple then run him over with his Benz and do donuts on his corpse. He’s that tough. I’ve loved the Flyers all my life, but I’m seriously contemplating getting an Ovechkin jersey. I know that is a breech of etiquette that would be the equivalent of serving diarrhea to your dinner guests, but this dude is freakin’ awesome.


Life is grand isn’t it…my mullet is immortal, the Phils are in first place, there’s plenty to complain about and make fun of while the NBA Playoffs are in session and one hockey series matters. I’m a lucky man.